*DISCLAIMER: THE EBONY BELLTOWER IS PURELY SATIRICAL*
I’m in a new relationship and me and my significant other are struggling in the intimacy department. It’s not a communication issue with us; we’re completely on the same page. We both really want to have sex. The problem is our location. We both live in dorms and we both have roommates, and we both feel kind of awkward about it. We walked in on my roommate once and it was not fun. Even worse was imagining it being me. I feel like there are just so many things that can go wrong in a dorm. How can we take some of the awkward out of it and just enjoy each other’s company? Thanks Sasha.
Hot and Bothered
Hey Hot and Bothered,
I get it, dorm sex is not ideal, and can come with a whole slew of awkward situations, not the least of which is being walked in on. But hey, let’s start with the bright side; if you do get walked in on, it won’t be your parents! That being said, you mentioned how it’s not a communication issue, but in one way, it is. Not between you and your SO, you two seem to have that covered, but you and your roommate. Now I don’t know what kind of friendship you guys have, but if you’ve walked in on them, they’ll get the need for clarity. Just rip the Band-Aid off and talk about it. But you’re right; there are a bunch of things that could go wrong. To that end, I’ve written out ten hacks for successful dorm sex. Hope this helps!
1) Try to schedule ahead; work out times when your roommate won’t be around, or when it’s easier for them to be elsewhere. And be courteous; don’t expect to have the room to yourself every weekend. It’s their room too, and your sex life is not their problem. And I know, I know, scheduling sex isn’t the sexiest, but it takes away some of the anxiety about when your roommate might show up, so you can focus on the fun stuff.
2) Establish a code word or signal with your roommate. Try as you might to fit your sex into a tidy schedule. Ish happens. When it does, take two seconds to warn your roomie. The era of the sock on the doorknob is over. Have a quick, non-awkward way to signal to your roommate that sexy time will be underway. A few emoji’s will do, or a phrase like “Studying anatomy.” It works best if you’re a CHASS major.
3) If you’re feeling a little adventurous and want to move things outside the bed, that’s cool. But just keep the adventure to your side of the room. No leaving butt prints on your roommate’s desk or chair. I shouldn’t have to say this, but I’ve heard some stories; you’d be surprised.
3) Put on some mood music to muffle the sounds of your passion. Tricky thing with dorms, it’s not just your roommate you have to worry about, especially if you live in a suite style dorm. It’s okay if it’s a suggestive playlist; we’re in college, we all know sex happens. But no one wants to hear sex that doesn’t involve them.
5) On that conscientious note, maybe move your bed slightly away from the wall to avoid bothering your neighbors. Nothing is more annoying than hearing wood hitting brick over and over while you’re trying to sleep or work. (Except someone else’s sex sounds, but we covered that already.)
6) While you’re moving the bed, maybe de-loft it a few notches. Nothing kills the mood like a trip to the ER. Falling is never cute, and Humpty Dumpty’s not a sex icon for a reason.
7) You say you and your SO have good communication, and I hope this includes test results. Your whole sexual history isn’t anyone’s business, but both you and they should know if either of you kept some souvenirs from your last trip to Sexy Town, if you catch my drift.
8) Don’t forget to use protection!
9) Baby fever isn’t real and honey, the condom is big enough; use protection.
10) I don’t care if it “doesn’t feel as good.” Use protection.