Dear Nubian,

I know that last year you did an advice column, and I was wondering
what happened to it. But anyways I have this issue… My best friend
has been dating this guy for a couple of months… We’ve been real
close for like two years, but he’s been trying to talk to me behind
her back. At first it started with him texting me here and there
asking me about my day… Then it turned into phone calls, and then he
asked me to go to the movies with him. I know that I should probably
tell her, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship… I think that I have feelings for him too. What should I do?


Dear Confused,

The first thing that you should do is tell your friend! I understand that you do not want to ruin the friendship that you all have, but if she finds out from someone else that will make the situation ten times worse. If she is your friend then she would want to know and even if it is not what she wants to hear. I would not expect her to be too appreciative though.

Now, the fact that you have feelings for this guy is a completely different issue. If your friend and this guy had a serious relationship and she had or still has feelings for him then you may be in serious jeopardy of breaking the “girl code.” If this is indeed the case then it seems as if you were acting as an enabler and promoting his behavior. Personally, I would not feel comfortable with my friends engaging in such behaviors with my ex and I’m pretty sure many people would agree. Your loyalty should ultimately be to your friend and you should not try to make personal gains from her loss. Ending a friendship over a guy is not worth it. I think I should reiterate that, ending a friendship over a guy is not worth it.

If your friend and this guy weren’t serious then I do not think anything is wrong with it. However, you still should ask your friend for permission. Yes, permission! Just because things did not work for those two does not mean that it will not work for you two. But, remember that people usually repeat past behaviors. So what this guy is doing to your friend, he will probably end up doing to you.

At the end of the day consider this as a lesson learned. We all want companionship but at what cost? In the future, never allow a potential friendship to jeopardize an actual friendship. You will end up friendless and single. I know, I know it is easier said than done. Remember, your friends will be there when everyone else turns their back on you.


Nubian Queen